If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
Snack for election night!
A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
This one never gets the credit it deserves
This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
Interior designer.
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
