NYPD has located a can of Pringles left behind by the assassin in Central Park. Upon opening it, they found it was spring-loaded with a large toy snake
When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.
There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”
Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me
Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.
We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”
BREAKING: NYPD has located the tunnel the assassin used to escape the city but found it to be merely a painting on a brick wall and smashed up several squad cars upon trying to enter it
I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered
Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin
wife: what are you thinking about
guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it