i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.
You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.
My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing
going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything
Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles
If twitter has taught me anything alot of us aren’t ready for a spelling bee
Finally… My bills are washed, laundry is paid, clothes are baked and dinner is in the dryer… Adulting is tough, but I’ve got this!
I used to hate waiters until I realized they’re not just being nosy. They need to know what I want to eat so they can relay it to the kitchen staff
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job
One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk