Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
😾
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
