Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
This meeting could have been a pajama party.
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity