Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
Drive like no one is watching.
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
A.I. art is great. I give it three thumbs up.
I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
