WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
