Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.