Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
Thinking about a snail with a limp
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi