date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great