Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.