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“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”