That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.