traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond
‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’
and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
