The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later
i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight
The day after Christmas is wild.
I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast
me: omg goth bath bombs
santa: that’s charcoal
Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”
*kids fighting over something*
Me: This is the season of giving and sharing. Be nice and share with each other.
Husband: Honey, are there any more Reese’s Christmas Trees left?
Me: *hiding the last package* No, sorry, they’re all gone.
The woke left? Without saying goodbye?
The cops knocked on my door and said, we’re looking for a burglar with one eye.
I said, wouldn’t it be better if you used both eyes.
I think Neptune can hear the YouTube video my son is watching.
Me: Alexa, text my mother-in-law back
Alexa: Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now. Please try again later
Me: Perfect, send it
British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭
Telling my uncle about my boy problems and he’s literally covering his mouth in disbelief… yeah girl it’s bad
I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.
I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money
Me: “I wanna fit into my old clothes again”
Google: “Eat differently”
Me: “No, not like that”
Google: “Exercise more”
Me: “Not like that”
Google: “Leave me alone then”
Jeans are once again asking too much of me.