In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂
It’s that simple 👊🏻
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.
My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.
Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.Bread.
The kid likes bread.
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
