He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
Couldn’t recommend it enough.
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
this meeting could have been a push down the stairs
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
no exceptions
“FOUND ‘EM!”
