As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer
1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
skipping every song that reminds me of him
-me, listing to the playlist i made for him
Him: How did he die?
Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.
Him: A murder?
Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.
I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.
Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward
When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.
Maybe the Grinch would be nicer if someone wasn’t singing songs about what a piece of shit he is every 7 minutes