Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Well lets see. . . .2020: Didn’t jog. . . . .2021: Didn’t jog. . . . .2022: Didn’t jog. . . . .2023: Didn’t jog. . . . .2024: Haven’t jogged ~ This is kind of a running joke with me.
You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.
It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.
Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed
Everyone is getting idioter.
a load-bearing bit among my friends came from a guy on the periphery who came to a party, walked outside where we were talking, and said “moon looks great tonight.” everyone agreed, went back to talking. upon a lull he said “speaking of the moon, i made the nasa website” 😂
Caught my son playing operation by himself and every time it would buzz he would say “now tell me where Batman is”
He’s going to be just fine
we were doing a cousins pic and we did one that included my cousins’ partners and our pizza got delivered while we were taking it and i jokingly said “invite him in so he can be my boyfriend for the pic”
and my aunt ASKED HIM to and brought him inside & he did the pic 😭😭😭😭😭
“Coming this summer, the exciting movie you’ve been waiting for!” – Teaser trailer
“You call those tires? You couldn’t haul a kitten, you wimp!” – Trailer teaser
Husband: you should get out of the house more
Me: *goes shopping*
Husband: not like that
The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married
watching old Beatles concerts is so fascinating it’s four guys shaped like suits going plinky plonky lemme love you girlie oh yeah and then it cuts to the audience and there’s a girl having the most intense spiritual experience of her life
Nothing is scarier than teaching your teen to drive. Except teaching them to drive on the highway. And teaching them to drive at night. Or on the highway at night. Also on the highway at night during the week of Christmas.
Autocorrect just changed “have a prosperous 2025” to “have a preposterous 2025” and I feel that’s much more likely.