My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart