15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
Bruh 😂
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
Old old old old old west
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
