Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
they should create new variants of dopamine
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤