*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
Old old old old old west
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?
Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
The United Steaks of America
