Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
The United Steaks of America
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
Thanks to modern recycling technology you can now throw away the same Pottery Barn catalog 2000 times.