One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
Give us this day our daily internet validation
