I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
🖕🏻👽
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
