He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻♀️
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”