Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
see next tweet for some translations
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
a New Yorker reject, for you
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please