I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
That’s commitment
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.