I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
a McRib killed my tapeworm
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth