I always check on the non existent cake in the oven when the dryer timer goes off.
My son’s high school is holding golf tryouts today. We currently have 40mph winds. I’m bringing popcorn because this is going to be awesome.
Company at my house: Do you have a bathroom?
My Mind: No we shit in the yard
I made up a story for my daughter at bedtime about a friendly elephant. And how he was nice to everyone, even the hyenas who were mean to him. But then I got scared I was teaching her to not stand up for herself, so I ended the story with him killing all the hyenas.
My husband said I’m the most amazing woman on the planet. GEESH CRAIG WHAT ABOUT THE MILLIONS OF OTHER PLANETS?!? AM I JUST MEDIOCRE ON THOSE? I’m throwing up so much right now
I don’t want to brag but I found a recipe online, and then within *three weeks* not only made the recipe, but closed the tab on my browser
If I make my 3yo a ham sandwich he won’t touch it but if I make myself a ham sandwich he’s gotta have the entire thing
All your better biblical epics have one thing in common: no skimping on the camel budget.
I’ve been doing dry January, but it’s literally just been my lips and skin
Asking me “what are you wearing” at night will never work out the way you want it to unless you’ve been aching to hear the words “Def Leppard pajamas”.
Imagine being the first person to do that trick where it looks like you’re pulling your thumb apart and then being burned at the stake.
All I want in life is a regular status report about Keira Knightley called the Knightley News.
We need to start drilling for eggs on our own soil.
“What base is it when you share your chocolates?”
Me eating MY chocolates:
I wouldn’t know