astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience
“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”
I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife
If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.
when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters
Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.
whenever i see deer hanging out too close to the road i will slowly drive by, roll down my window, and say “you guys are being insane..” they usually just stare and dont say anything back but i can tell they’re utterly embarrassed
The Most Popular Apps:
*Door Bash, the delivery app for face punches
*NapChat, the messenger app for sleepy time
*Robe Locks, the bathrobe security app
*Air B&E, the apartment sharing app for burglars
*Andy Crush, the app that tells Andrew Garfield if you think he’s cute
My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this
Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?
Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.
