Babe, are you today’s date cuz you’re a 1/10
I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”
Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?
Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.
When I (vegetarian) hear the server list the specials and don’t want to hurt their feelings: Hmmm the filet mignon sounds really nice. Shrimp linguine, that I’m sure is delicious too. Let me think oh yeah I’ll have the fries.
Just remembered the time my ex’s southern Baptist grandparents in Oklahoma took us on a drive to get lunch and didn’t mention we were quickly stopping by an entire church service first. Gotta give it to them in retrospect
As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.
As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.
I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey
gonna start parting my hair down the middle so i can write poetry better
i love muttering “none of my business” as i delete an email that is definitely my business
Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.
A McRib killed my tapeworm.
Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012
Approached a patron who was cooking a pot of ramen at a study table and said “I’m sorry but you can’t do that in the library.”
Indignantly they responded “Where do you expect me to do it? At my house?”
And I was like “Well when you say it like that it does sound unreasonable.”
