currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.