hung out w/ my grandad who has dementia today. He came into the kitchen looking distraught while I was making tea & said “have you seen whats happening in America? It’s awful!”. assumed he’d read some election news but turned out he’d been watching Ghostbusters in the living room
I accidentally called my neighbor’s 23 month old son a 2-year old and now the cops are here.
My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water
me looking at the christmas cookie tray:
i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”
there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile
You’re goddamn right I’m touching the plate immediately after you warn me it’s hot
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast
My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
Can we stop calling it autocorrect and call it what it is… auto-guesstimate-entirely-inaccurately
according to every romcom i’ve ever seen, i should find love at the airport today . will keep all of you posted
Hey Juror #2, come here a second. I noticed you were doodling the words “I DID IT” in big 3D bubble letters on that piece of paper. Can you show me how to do that?
Me (at a tournament): I win!
*throws ball into the crowd*Manager of bowling alley: Okay, that’s not right.
Saying “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” on mail is very threatening & that’s why I’ll never do it. Show me some respect.