When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
genius
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
Spelling is important because I finally received my Male order bride, Brian.