TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
