Only you can prevent podcasts
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
I鈥檓 willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 馃槶 馃槶
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
Don鈥檛 go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 馃挴
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
