Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eelsI didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.