The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
