Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts