I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?
🖕🏻👽
