Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
