Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
That’s commitment
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts