Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself