[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
a McRib killed my tapeworm
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.