pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I have 2 half sisters
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
hello pervert is such a strong opener
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.