10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.
10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.
Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???
*immediately after a hysterectomy*
ok weigh me now.
Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.
Tower: Where are you, pilot?
Pilot: I’m over Cologne.
Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
…but like… what if I WANT new socks for Christmas?
Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3
in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts
Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.
[Me watching football on TV]
Oh man this reminds me of high school
Her: you played football in high school?
Me: no, I watched TV
They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9
A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’