People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
Voting is the worst group project
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
