This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
Interior designer.
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
making sure he doesnt get away
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
but that was my emotional support daylight
bags with threatening auras
Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.[9 Moscow Mules later]
Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH
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